It’s a modern tale as old as time. You meet, you fall in love, and it’s bliss. Sometimes, the relationship worsens, and eventually, a breakup soon follows.
For many people, the period following a breakup is a time of significant confusion and high emotion, sometimes even an identity crisis.
When you spend much of your life with someone, you intimately bond with them. Over time, your lives become entangled. Once the relationship becomes severed, so can your perception of yourself, leading to identity issues and many questions.
One of these questions may likely be: “Since I feel so incomplete and can’t figure out who I am without them, does that mean I should get back together with them?” We will explore these questions throughout the article, so if you wonder about this and more, read on.
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Why Couples Break Up: The Question of Compatibility
The reasoning behind a breakup differs from one couple to another. The most common reason, generally speaking, is incompatibility. Incompatibility is the discrepancy between people’s values, personalities, morals, and goals, making finding common ground and peace in the relationship difficult. This can surface in many ways.
Incompatibility can manifest through different circumstances and specifics. From personality discrepancies to differing desires in career path or place of living and everywhere in between, the factors influencing a couple’s incompatibility are specific to them.
5 Reasons Why Getting Back With Ex is Usually Unsuccessful
While some couples can reconcile successfully, this is not the norm. In most situations, reconciliation is unsuccessful because underlying interpersonal issues still exist.
Successful reconciliations require intensive effort, incredible open-mindedness, and improved communication. Generally speaking, it’s much rare to get back together and have it work out in your favor than just to go your separate ways and find a new love interest.
1. Communication
One of these major issues or discrepancies involves communication. Communication helps form and deepen relational connections. The healthier the communication patterns, the healthier the relationship as a whole.
If past communication issues have not been worked on and improved, rekindling the relationship is unlikely to be successful. It’s normal for healthy relationships to have conflict and arguments occasionally, but communication during these arguments must be constructive and healthy, not toxic.
If the former relationship with your ex consisted of toxic communication patterns, and neither of you has done much work to improve these patterns, they will likely resurface if you attempt to reconcile. It will be evident extremely quickly that the destructive patterns of the past relationship still exist.
With diligent work and intentional effort from both partners, these destructive communication patterns can be reversed, but most times, they aren’t, resulting in failed reconciliation. Some people aren’t “meant to be,” and that’s okay.
2. Trust
Getting back together with an ex never works because of the inability to build or restore trust. Many relationships end because of trust issues. Whether trust has been shattered by something nefarious like cheating and lying or whether there’s simply an innate feeling of distrust for unknown reasons, a relationship cannot thrive without a strong foundation of trust.
If the underlying reasons impacting a lack of trust in the relationship are not addressed, these trust issues will again surface in a potential reconciliation. This usually leads to another breakup and even more heartbreak.
3. Personal Growth
After a breakup occurs, there is, inevitably, an immense amount of personal growth within each former partner. Breakups are one of those things in life that expedites personal growth. As you reflect on what went wrong in the relationship post-breakup, you’re likely to make realizations about yourself and some potentially destructive tendencies you may have within the context of a relationship.
Making these realizations can be difficult and even shocking, but it’s always worth taking the time to reflect, no matter how uncomfortable. Once you’re aware of any unhealthy habits or behaviors you possess, you can begin the work to fix them going forward, ultimately becoming the best partner and best person you can be.
As incredible as personal growth is, it’s also a contributing factor to why reconciliation with an ex-partner tends to fail. Both former partners will likely do some personal growth after the breakup. If the ways you have evolved since your breakup are incompatible with your former partner’s growth, this can create many new obstacles regarding your compatibility.
Put simply, personal growth can further exacerbate partners’ growing apart if one’s personal growth is not complementary to the other partner’s growth. Growing apart can also occur during the relationship before a breakup, leading to an eventual breakup.
4. Disapproval
Disapproval from one’s support network is a major factor in why getting back together with an ex never works. Outside influences, such as disapproving friends and family, can greatly explain why reconciliation can’t prosper. If the people whose insight you value most in your life are counseling you to stay apart from your ex, it will likely be a lot more difficult moving forward with reconciliation.
This concept is especially true when it comes from close family members, such as parents or siblings. If you marry your partner, that person becomes a part of the family, directly impacting your parents and siblings. Indeed, you don’t need their approval or “blessing” to attempt to reconcile with your ex, but it will likely significantly impact your view of the relationship if your close loved ones do not approve.
5. Making the Decision
Relationships and breakups are highly personal and unique to each individual. While there’s no perfect, objective answer for your specific set of circumstances, hopefully, these points have been helpful for you to contemplate as you consider your situation or as you’ve reflected on while you’ve read along. Ultimately, it’s a decision you must make alone (well, in tandem with your ex, of course.)
You know your circumstances and your heart best. It may feel confusing and jumbled up, but be patient and extend some grace to yourself. Deciding to attempt reconciling with an ex is no small plight, but you will eventually find your clarity.
Questions to Ask Yourself
If you find yourself wondering if you should give it a try with your ex, it’s necessary to ask yourself the following questions to help you find clarity:
- What caused the relationship to end? Are these issues surmountable?
- What damage was caused by this relationship ending? Is this damage fixable?
- How did the ending of the relationship impact both partners?
- After the breakup, was there still love and connection?
- What issues still exist to this day?
- Do I believe things can change and be different this time around?
No one else can answer these questions for you. These are questions that only you hold the answers to based on your own experience and current feelings. On average, the answers to these questions will not usually add up to a reconciliation.
The answers to these questions are more likely to remind you why you left the relationship and leave you grateful for where you are now.
Don’t Be Afraid to “Call It” Done
Breakups can be very sad but are a necessary component of life. Not every couple is meant to make it in the long run. Some relationships are simply a learning and growing experience, and though you can’t take the person with you into the next chapters of life, you can indeed take the lessons learned.
When a relationship is past its prime, staying together might seem like the easy thing to do, and for a while, it is, but it will ultimately end up making everything much harder the longer you stay. If your relationship is ultimately done, even if a breakup hasn’t occurred, don’t be afraid to “call it” done and begin the separation process. The longer you drag your feet on ending the relationship, the more you will delay your healing.
Moving On
Getting back together with an ex typically does not work for many reasons. If you do choose to move on, you are in the majority. It’s a personal decision, and you will gain the clarity you need over time.
“Time heals all wounds” is a popular phrase, but it is true that time at least lessens the wounds. You will find your “person,” whether they’re your ex or someone entirely new.
Life is a journey, and we all find our way eventually. It’s even sweeter when we find the right relationship and person to share it all with.
